Most of us have found ourselves in a challenging situation for which there doesn’t seem to be a clear answer or solution. Stressful, difficult life circumstances can sometimes leave us feeling stuck with no way out, no clear direction for where to go or what to do, and powerless to the problem. When we feel powerless to our circumstances, it can be really difficult to pull ourselves out of the spiral of negativity and helplessness.

But here’s the good news: there are almost no situations in life that leave us utterly powerless. Let’s say that again: in almost every situation life throws your way, you can find something that’s within your control and your power. That’s right. Even when you feel absolutely powerless, there will be something that you can influence and change. It might be something seemingly small or insignificant, but that’s still autonomy. We all have it within us to make effective change and to improve our circumstances.

So how can we do this? Well, first we need to start with our past.

The first step in the problem solving process should be to assess what skills and resources you already have at your disposal—starting with your internal resources (i.e. your resilience, your positive attitude, your ability to shift your thinking, etc.) What does this have to do with your past? It’s significant, because certainly you have dealt with difficult situations and problems in the past. You already have problem solving skills and tools to manage difficult situations. Reflecting on your past can be useful to identify previous challenges you’ve overcome, what tools and skills you employed to handle the situation, and what you did to resolve the problems. Now you’re able to decide which of these skills and tools could be used to handle the present situation.

The next step of the problem solving process is figuring out what resources you have externally (i.e. your family and friends, community resources, advocates on your behalf, outside help, etc.). It’s important to access your external resources as well, because they are just as important in supporting you through the problem solving process. Also do a reflection on what external resources you used or leaned on in the past. Who or what were you able to call on for help and guidance? Then, you can decide which of those resources can be used in your present situation.

After you’ve reflected on what you’ve done well in the past to handle or overcome challenges, figure out which of your tools and skills are going to be most helpful and beneficial in the present. It may take a bit of creativity to figure out how you can use your resources from the past in the present, but that’s also part of solving problems. Bear in mind, you may have to alter or adjust the resources to fit the circumstances you’re facing, but it’s not impossible.

Remember, even small actions like changing your mindset, scheduling in time for self-care, or getting a good amount of sleep can be part of the problem solving process. These are all resources that you can use to help you manage the difficult circumstances. You may not be able to change everything in a big picture way, but it doesn’t mean that you’re powerless or a victim to life.

Take a moment to reflect on moments in the past when you’ve successfully dealt with real problems. Think about what you did well, what worked for you, which of your resources were most effective, and then figure out how you can use the skills and the tools that you already possess to start making change and finding a solution.

Lately, especially online, there has been a major uptick in cancel culture. If you’re not familiar with cancel culture, it’s essentially the mindset that if someone does or says things that a collective group doesn’t agree with, they shun and shut out said person. It goes beyond holding people accountable for their words and actions, rather it’s an attitude of mistakes being unforgiveable and differing opinions being unwelcomed.

The problem with cancel culture is that it is a black and white mentality, which doesn’t leave much room for differences. We’ve probably all seen people on social media voicing their opinion and telling everyone something along the lines of “If you don’t agree with me, unfriend me.” While I understand that this sentiment comes from a place of feeling passionate about one’s own beliefs, I do not feel that this is a healthy way to deal with differing opinions and attitudes. Part of being in a community, in marriages and relationships, in families, means that we are going to disagree. It’s practically impossible to fully agree with someone in all aspects of life. Life is far too complex. Besides the unlikelihood of always agreeing with the people around us, it’s also not something we should strive for. Part of what helps us grow and learn is learning to live with people who are different than us. We must learn to tolerate the discomfort of disagreeing with the people around us.

Another reason why I disagree with the concept of cancel culture is that this “us vs. them” mentality is often what we see in cults or destructive groups. This mentality is what keeps people trapped in abusive power dynamics and keeps others on the outside. The “us vs. them” mentality does not leave space for differing ideas or beliefs, because they are seen as a threat to the integrity of the group and the culture that the group has created. You can see why being so engrained and indoctrinated in one belief and one point of view can be harmful. The more I surround myself with people who think and belief the same things as me, the more entrenched I become in that mindset and the further away I drift from being open-minded and willing to entertain differing points of view.

People often “cancel” celebrities who’ve made mistakes or done something unfavorable in the past, boycotting their movies, music, etc. This idea that none of us are allowed to mess up without being canceled is also quite toxic. People mess up; they say or do things they regret, whether or not they’re in the public eye. We have all, all of us, done something that we wish we could take back. Can you imagine if that mistake you made determined your future and your ability to be part of a community or to speak with your family and friends?

One of the elements of life that keeps us growing, honest, and humble is the ability to do life with people who have different beliefs than us. The ability to continue to show respect and regard for other people’s dignity is a skill that we need to continue to sharpen. Inability to see others as human beings because of their beliefs is not a signal of emotional health, rather emotional un-health. When you’re scrolling through social media next time, try to be more cognizant of who is partaking in this cancel culture. Make sure that you’re not falling into the trap of canceling people. Stay open-minded and humble and willing to sit at the table with people who might see the world through a different lens than you.

Most of us have met people whose typical response when we tell them about our problems is something along the lines of… “Chin up!” or “It’ll all be okay, just look at the bright side.” or “Well, at least…” (“at least” is one of my least favorite phrases someone can say when I’m talking about my problems or my feelings). If you’re like me, these types of responses can be so frustrating. It leaves me thinking “Do you even care about anything I just told you?”

What do those responses all have in common? What do they sound like? Toxic positivity.

Toxic positivity is a term that has been gaining in popularity in recent years, and more and more people are starting to become aware of it and recognizing it. So what is toxic positivity and how is it different than just positivity?

Toxic positivity is characterized by being positive in an emotionally unhealthy way. It’s positivity to the point of causing emotional damage. Usually it takes form in ignoring or suppressing emotions, downplaying or diminishing problems and struggles, and using positivity as a means to avoid. And it’s not the same as being positive or being optimistic. You’ll notice that it’s toxic because it feels like the person is pressuring you to take on the same positivity and set your real feelings aside.

Here’s an example of what an encounter with toxic positivity might look like. Let’s say you’ve been working so hard on a project at work, dedicating months of your time and energy into it, and you’ve just found out that it’s being discarded by the higher-ups. You’re outraged, hurt, confused and upset. You go to a colleague who works on another project because you need someone to talk to. As you’re trying to process what you’re feeling and vent about your frustrations, your colleague responds by saying, “Don’t get mad! It’s not worth it to be mad. Just try to look on the bright side. You still have a job!”

How do you imagine you’d feel in a situation like this, receiving that response? Probably even more outraged, hurt, confused and upset, right? All you want to do is talk about what happened and have someone lend you their ear so you can vent. And their response is to tell you not to be mad and to cheer up. It’s pretty invalidating.

The problem with toxic positivity, and thus why it’s toxic, is that it IS invalidating. It leaves no room for feelings other than happiness. Anything that’s outside the box of ‘happy’ and ‘cheerful’ is not allowed. You’re not allowed to be mad. Sadness? Nope, no room for that here. Grief? Sorry, that’s not welcomed here. Just “good vibes only.”

So why do some people meet our problems and struggles with this toxic form of positivity? Well, the answer is likely that they meet their own problems and struggles with it, too. People who use toxic positivity as a means to avoid do not give themselves the opportunity to sit with their own feelings. They are not comfortable with the pain, the sorrow, the anger, the loss. So they push it away and shove it down and use a little saying like “Keep calm and carry on” to mask what they’re really feeling. People who are unwilling to let themselves feel their feelings, and who are not comfortable with their own emotions, are not going to be willing to let other talk about or express emotions other than happiness.

If you’ve read any of my other blog posts or have any prior knowledge of emotional health and emotional intelligence, you’ll already know why it’s so important for us to be able and willing to talk about our emotions. Just because we don’t acknowledge them, or just because we say “Everything will be fine!” does not mean those feelings go away. Ignoring our emotions is never the answer.

Unfortunately, people who are not comfortable with their emotions will not be comfortable with other people’s emotions. Even more unfortunately, these people might be your family, friends, coworkers, or romantic partners. We obviously can’t force people to drop their toxic positivity routine and start being emotionally intelligent people. It’s not our responsibility to change other people. So, instead, the challenge is choosing not to surround yourself with people who don’t give you space to sit with your feelings and express your emotions. The challenge is also to surround yourself with people who are willing to go there, willing to see and know you, because they also want to be seen and known.

Look for the people whose response when you share your struggles and pain is, “I hear you. That’s so painful.” Look for the people who really listen, who accept you and all of your emotions no matter how big or how uncomfortable it might get. Those are people of substance and those are people who will be there for you when you really can’t do life alone.

At any given moment, most of us have dozens of thoughts going through our minds. Some of them insignificant like “The car in front of me is yellow” and others more significant that have more influence over how we feel and behave. It’s inevitable to have thoughts pop into your head, and many of them go unnoticed; some even pop up without us realizing it or so quickly that we don’t have time to even realize it was a thought.

The insignificant thoughts come and go, hardly having an impact on our day-to-day. The more significant influential thoughts, however, are part of what shape the way we feel and behave. They also reinforce beliefs and neural pathways (thought patterns) in our brains.

So what happens when those thoughts we have turn out to be damaging? Let’s take a look at how our thoughts have the ability to influence so much about what we believe and feel about ourselves and the world around us.

First thing’s first: what is a thought? Essentially, it’s words put together to form a coherent sentence. Usually, but not always, thoughts are triggered by what we see or experience. We give meaning and importance to these put together words. Perhaps without noticing, we decide if the thought is important, is valid, is meaningful, and we often place emotion to it.

That’s to say, we have a thought, and almost instantly, if we’ve put meaning to it, an emotion comes up in response. Let me give an example. Let’s say I walk into the break room at work and everyone is chatting excitedly but when they see me, they go silent and start looking at each other. This would be my “trigger”, the event or situation that happens. My first thought might be “They were all just talking about me.” So, how might I feel following this thought? Well, I could feel embarrassed, maybe angry, probably confused and hurt.

We can see how one thought leads to an emotional response. What happens next is that my emotions often play a large part in how I behave, react, or act. Continuing with this example, if I’m feeling embarrassed and hurt, I might decide to immediately turn around and walk out of the break room. And I also might spend the whole day avoiding those colleagues. If I’m feeling angry, I might lash out and accuse them of gossiping about me. Neither of these scenarios are very healthy responses.

The other thing that this thought does, if I give it meaning, is perpetuate a core belief I have about myself (for example: I’m unlikeable.). These kind of thoughts are damaging because they reinforce unhealthy core beliefs, which continues this cycle of thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Taking a look at that thought “They were all just talking about me,” the first thing I need to do is recognize that it’s just a thought, not a fact. I also need to decide if this thought is helpful or harmful. This particular thought is not helpful, because I don’t actually know what is going on that caused my coworkers to stop talking abruptly. It’s also not helpful, because it leads me to feeling embarrassed and angry, which in return, causes me to avoid or lash out.

Once I’ve identified that a thought isn’t helpful, the goal is to replace that thought with a thought that is helpful. In this scenario, I could tell myself “I don’t know what they were talking about.” This is a pretty neutral and truthful thought. Hopefully, this thought would lead to a more neutral response, such as feeling curiosity or simply feeling unbothered. I might simply greet my coworkers and then go on about my business. The point is that I did not catastrophize the situation by letting my thoughts dictate my feelings and behaviors.

Another strategy is simply acknowledging that a thought is just a thought. Instead of replacing the thought with another, I can simply acknowledge “That was an unhelpful thought. It doesn’t mean anything” and try to continue on without giving that thought any more of my emotions or energy. Not every thought deserves to have emotion put to it. If that were the case, we’d be emotionally exhausted at all times. Imagine driving down the road and thinking “The car in front of me is yellow” and having to place some kind of feeling or emotion behind it. Sounds silly, because it is! We get to decide what thoughts deserve our energy and attention.

Next time you find yourself spiraling into a spin of big emotions and unhealthy behaviors because of one little thought that came to mind, take a moment to recognize that you are the one who gives power to thoughts. Ask yourself, is this thought helpful or true? Give yourself permission to let that thought go, picturing it floating away in the air like the wisps of a dandelion. Replace that thought with one that is helpful, or at the very least neutral. This is not an easy feat. After all, the beliefs that we’ve formed about ourselves have formed over years. It takes time to build new neural pathways and form new beliefs about ourselves. These are the first steps in that process. Remember, your thoughts can be very powerful, but only if you give them the power.

It’s not an uncommon thought or belief that going to therapy will make you ‘feel better.’ Most of us have a concept of therapy that tells us that we should always leave our appointments feeling happy, light, and like we’ve had a break-through. So, why do we often leave our therapy appointments feeling worse than when we went in? There’s a common misconception that therapy is a quick fix for all of our problems, when in reality, therapy should be treated more like a marathon than a sprint. There’s also a misconception that going to therapy will rid me of my ‘negative feelings’ and leave me feeling happy and free, when really, we should expect to experience a lot of emotions, some uncomfortable, during the process of therapy. This is a sign that we’re doing the work.

A marathon, not a sprint.
Let’s start with this idea. I often tell my clients that the learned behaviors and thought patterns, unresolved issues with family members and mental health challenges such as anxiety don’t develop overnight, and therefore they can’t expect to resolve these issues overnight. Not only do we need to take time to build rapport and a relationship filled with trust between the client and the therapist, but we also need to understand that the work we do in therapy is often a slow-burn type of work. This can be difficult for many folks, because we have these unpleasant feelings and experiences and we want rid of them now, and fast. It’s normal to seek out a quick fix for those kind of feelings, but honestly those are just band-aids and don’t address the root of the issue. Band-aids, although they stop the bleeding immediately, don’t actually do much in the way of letting a wound heal, do they? The wound needs to breathe, close up, allow new skin to grow and form, the scar might need time to fade. This is a process and can’t be rushed. Most of us who’ve used band-aids know that once we take the band-aid off, the likelihood of us accidentally reopening the wound and starting to bleed again is pretty high. So we need to treat the wound with care, avoid causing further damage to it, sometimes care for it daily with a routine.
The same goes for our mental ‘wounds.’ A band-aid fix won’t really make it go away and won’t really address what’s causing the problem. As hard as it is to be patient in therapy, one of the most important things we can do is to trust the process and know that it’s going to take time.
The consistent work of addressing the issue, taking steps towards reconciliation, falling back down and having to get back up, realizing that what we were trying wasn’t working and going back to the drawing board, is all part of the process of growth. If you can stick with the process, it will certainly build resilience and give you an opportunity to prove to yourself that you can do hard things. It’s a commitment to yourself and to the work you’re doing.

Therapy isn’t always comfortable.
Anytime you dig something up that you’ve had buried for a while, you can expect that it’s not going to feel very good. Why else would you have buried that thing, other than to avoid uncomfortable feelings? We put things in boxes and store them in the back of our closet in an attempt to save ourselves the discomfort of feeling lonely, hurt, ashamed, rejected, etc. The process of therapy involves getting those things out of the boxes, sorting through the boxes, and taking a good long look at what we’ve stored away and ‘forgotten’ about for so long. And it’s probably no surprise that this usually results in those feelings coming back to the surface.
But wait! This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Remember, there aren’t ‘bad’ emotions. Emotions are just emotions; they help us tune into a need, a wound, a longing in our hearts. They aren’t ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ If we can look at emotions more neutrally, then it’s not such a bad thing to feel these feelings.
Another part of the process of therapy is learning to be able to tolerate feelings that don’t feel ‘good’ in the moment. Tolerating our feelings is the first step, followed by honoring and appreciating them. Being able to sit with negative feelings, identify what the emotions are telling you about yourself and your needs, and understand why you had/have those emotions based on what you experienced is all part of becoming emotionally intelligent and healthy.

So, no… your time spent in therapy might not always leave you feeling on cloud nine. I’ve had several clients remark to me “I always end up crying after our sessions,” and I tell them “That’s pretty normal. You’re digging up stuff that you’ve kept underground. You’re talking about things you haven’t ever talked about. You’re acknowledging heartache and pain and loss that you haven’t ever acknowledged. Of course you’d cry!” I think this is one of the gifts of therapy and the process of growing. It doesn’t always feel good in the present moment, but if you are also putting in the effort to work through your sorrows, losses, traumas, and grief, then navigating these feelings can be an incredibly healing part of the process.

And no… going to therapy two or three times isn’t going to solve all your problems. I’ve heard people talk about how they want the answers to their problems right now and they don’t want to spend time and money on seeing a therapist. That’s their right, but it’s not the perspective of someone who is ready for change and growth. The commitment to the process of therapy is also a gift. It’s a commitment to yourself and an act of self-love. If you’re willing to say, “I’m going to engage in this process and know that it’s going to take some time,” you’re telling yourself that you’re worth it. What a beautiful message to tell yourself and a beautiful gift to give yourself.

So, if you’re currently in the process of working through your ‘stuff’ in therapy, please rest in the knowledge that you’re on the right path and that the effort and energy and money you’re investing is so worth it.
And if you’re wondering if therapy is right for you but aren’t sure you’re really up for the commitment or for bringing up the past, ask yourself if you’re ready to give yourself the gift of healing and growth. I do hope you’ll take those first steps in that process. You deserve it.

Today, October 10, is World Mental Health Day. A day recognized by the World Health Organization as a day to raise awareness for mental health issues and give a spotlight to mental health care organizations and workers to discuss what needs to be done to provide accessible mental health care worldwide.

On this day, I wanted to write a quick blog about my thoughts on mental health after working in the field for several years, as well as cross-culturally.

First of all, I’m happy to see that mental health is something that is becoming less and less taboo in many places. When I worked at a public high school in the U.S., my students were open and willing to talk about mental health with me, their classmates, their friends, etc. The stigma around mental health still existed, but I could see that it was growing smaller with that generation of young people. Still, the stigma around mental health existed perhaps for their parents, grandparents, caregivers, and many teens had trouble speaking about their struggles to their older family members.

I also noticed during my time working with at-risk youth and families (in multiple cities, at multiple jobs) that mental health care is far less accessible and affordable in lower socio-economic areas and amongst those families. The care that’s available to families receiving Medicaid (in the U.S.) is limited, and typically the workers are spread thin. I speak from experience, as a case worker who had about 50 children and families on my caseload, all of whom received Medicaid and had mental health diagnoses. Rarely were my colleagues and I able to accomplish everything asked of us in that role, let alone able to provide quality care to our clients.

Another thing I took note of as I got more into the world of therapy is the expense. I think we can address the elephant in the room and just say, therapy is expensive. If you go to a private practice or group practice therapists, you’re looking at paying upwards of 70 USD. And don’t get me wrong, therapists deserve to make a fair wage, and they have expenses related to maintaining their license, continuing their education, keeping up with a business, etc. But the reality is that many people cannot afford therapy consistently when we consider how low the minimum wage is in countries like the U.S.

Now that I’m living and working internationally, I’ve also noticed that there’s a great need for mental health care for people living outside of their home culture. It is a huge undertaking to try to make life work in a different country, culture, and language. Personally, I find myself thinking I’ve adjusted to life in Spain, only to realize there’s a glaring new reality for me to face that I’d never considered before (see: public health care, or self-employment taxes). Many people who live or have lived cross-culturally have expressed to me a feeling of being misunderstood, like the people around them who are ‘monocultural’ just don’t seem to understand. I’ve realized there’s a need for international therapy, with therapists who have also got some cross-cultural experience and can relate.

One last thing that has caught my attention over the course of my work with children has been the need for parents to get comfortable with talking about mental health with their children. When I meet with parents whose children are struggling with transition, feeling homesick, anxiety, and other mental health problems, I find it very helpful for parents not to shy away from these topics with their children. In fact, I often encourage parents to appropriately share their feelings, their struggles, their experiences with their children as an invitation to their children for conversation around these topics. If kids see their parents are able to say, “You know what, I’m feeling really homesick. I’m missing family and the comforts of our old home,” it gives kids permission to feel their feelings AND to talk about those feelings, too.

So, after reflecting on my past years working in the field of mental, as someone who has also received mental health care, what are my takeaways?
Well, for one, we have got to continue the dialogue around mental health. The more we talk about it, the more we normalize it and it becomes less scary. (This goes for suicide too. And no, talking about suicide, does not make people suicidal. It saves lives.) We need to find people who are willing to enter in to these kinds of conversations with us. Comfortable with being uncomfortable. Because yes, many times– if not most times, talking about our struggles is uncomfortable and humbling. But it’s necessary. (I’ll write another blog post about this topic soon.)

Two, we need more access to affordable mental health care and affordable therapy. Many therapists do offer sliding scales or pro bono therapy, which can be very helpful. It’s also crucial that governments do more in the way of insurance, funding, and providing resources to mental health organizations. The mental health organizations that already exist are enormously under-funded and over-worked. This is a systematic change that has to happen at the government level.
As individuals, we can advocate for ourselves to our insurance companies (asking for reimbursement or an allowance for mental health services), inquire about sliding scales or assistance (often times even private agencies will have funds from donations to help people in need of assistance), and look for online free resources to aid in mental health.

Three, we need to practice really good self-care. Self-care is a great form of prevention as it relates to anxiety, depression, burn-out, and some other common mental health problems. You can get dozens of ideas for self-care by simply searching for it online. It’s important to note that self-care can’t be a replacement for therapy, medication, or treatment, but if you’re experiencing mild symptoms of anxiety or depression, it can serve as a great tool in conjunction with those.

Lastly, I encourage you to try to remove your own feelings of shame or stigma around mental health and get the care you need. There is NO shame in going to therapy, taking medication, or needing help. It’s a brave and courageous thing to step out into the world and ask for help. You don’t have to do it alone.

If you or someone you know if looking for affordable counseling, especially from a cross-cultural perspective, please contact me to inquire about international, English-speaking counseling. I offer online and in-person (in the Malaga, Spain area) counseling and a free 15-minute video or phone consult to get started.

Take care of yourself, and be well.